I hoped

I had hoped for not just for more, but for better

I had a hope and a feeling in my mind about how you became
it nurtured a regret in my heart at my own teenage foolishness
I thought better about you
for some reason, I decided to hope

10,000 days and a couple of kids on your end can teach so much
people like us only go up or down
it’s part of the deal in being blessed
and time is of the essence, especially for you

I thought, of all the men you sought they were all just mistakes
that your father was this mountain you looked up to
and you hoped for better that they never rose up to
that you were searching for some dignity and wellness

I grew up like that, you know
and although it’s awkward to say I’m still looking too
and I think you already knew about it too
I’m too bashful sometimes

I thought you would be happy to reconnect at least as friends
no matter what could or would come of it, as adults
I would be aloof yet grounded and show you my worth
it’s not like your options weren’t thinning anyway

I wanted to throw you a bone because I solved your problem:
“who could see beyond my great looks and past my personality?”
well it would be someone who knew you before it all went wrong
there’s not many people who could do that for you

I was so disappointed when I was given your misdirections
I had imagined this maturation that never happened
I realised that you ever liked me at all because I was incomplete
all of us only get liked because our immature nature can’t satisfy you

and I think that’s really fucking stupid by now